Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Designer Pastor

This is a modern version of Find the Pastor. Its much more fun than the old game and you get a real say in the outcome.

In this version I will supply you with a shopping list, so that you can create your very own "designer pastor". The neat thing with this game is that you’re allowed to add to the list.

Don’t put any thought into your answers, go with your gut.

You don't even have to worry about making a mistake, you can always change the design later.

___ Preaches tithing is God's plan for your life.
___ Preaches tithing is wrong.
___ Allows women in ministry.
___ Doesn’t allow women in ministry.
___ Believes in keeping the Sabbath.
___ Doesn’t believe in the Sabbath.
___ The Sabbath is Sunday.
___ The Sabbath isn’t Sunday.
___ The Sabbath is Saturday.
___ Teaches dispensationalism.
___ Teaches eternal security.
___ Teaches that you can lose your salvation.
___ Teaches eternal salvation.
___ Believes in miracles.
___ Uses real wine for communion.
___ The Lord’s supper is a meal.
___ Takes up an offering.
___ Will perform your wedding if you have been divorced.
___ Not allowed to remarry.
___ Uses a box at the back for giving.
___ Doesn’t believe in giving. (LOL)
___ Uses grape juice for communion.
___ Teaches prosperity.
___ Teaches you can’t get sick.
___ Preaches for less than 10 minutes.
___ Preaches for less than 30 minutes.
___ Preaches for less than 45 minutes.
___ Preaches for less than 60 minutes.
___ Wears nice clothes.
___ Has a great voice.
___ Knows your name.
___ Uses powerpoint in his preaching.

p.s. At least you don’t have to make a decision about needing a pastor. They all agree that you do.

Galatians 1:8 (NIV) But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! 9 As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!


Steve Pye said...

Ooooo I love games.

Tithing. Always. Giving. Always.

Women in ministry - define "ministry"? Almost every "no women in ministry" church that I have been in, rejects women as pastors, but accepts them as deacons (as long as there are higher-ranking men as elders) or Sunday school teachers. But isn't serving someone in their time of need "ministry" as well? No women priests, after all, but nuns are ok, cuz it's a "lesser" ministry.

Sabbath. Funny. I know many who believe that "keeping the Sabbath" means not shopping, going to a public (ie, commercial) location, and not slinging a hammer; but who have no problem with working at the computer, or sitting down and eating lunch at Swiss Chalet. But East Side Mario's would be a sin on the Sabbath. Swiss Chalet is more traditional, so it must be more spiritual.

Dispensationalism - never knew it was an issue.

Eternal security. This is a funny one. Most believe it, teach it. But boy do they freak out when someone sins, as though they'll never be forgiven for it.

Miracles. You mean like when someone gets healed from a sickness because they started taking penicillin, but they weren't *really* healed until they prayed over the penicillin 24 hours later? Funny thing what we call a miracle these days. Sometimes God just wants us to get off our butts and go to a doctor. The real miracle is when we get off our knees and go do something about it.

Real wine? You mean like alcohol? As part of the LORD's supper???? He would never dare touch such a thing!!!! How could you even suggest it!!!!!!! When the bible says that the wine Jesus provided was the best the marriage guests had ever had, it was only because they were either drunk and didn't know what they were saying, or Jesus just made really, really tasty grape juice. There was no way there was alcohol in it, and even suggesting it is an eternal sin!!! (See above: Eternal security)

"Takes up an offering". Let's phrase that more realistically: "demands a free will gift, or else" or "forces you to volunteer". I've only been in one church that had a box at the back, because they felt that giving was between you and God, not the 7 people surrounding you on the pews that "won't notice if you choose not to give" like the pastors say. Yeah. Right. They're only all staring at you waiting for you to hand them the plate.

Prosperity is for sinners, heathens, and money-lovers.

__ Preaches for "whatever the Spirit lead him to do 3 weeks prior when they planned the service in advance during a meeting."

Clothes and voice. Boy they sure look and sound nice, don't they? Who cares what they have to teach, or whether the congregation actually left the building and did something useful... just make sure you look good and sound good. That's what Jesus would do. (umm..... Isaiah 53:2 ?).

__ Forget powerpoint. Let's use the best presentation software, a DVD player, and a jumbotron so that when you go home, you'll hate your 21" tv that has been satisfactory for the past 15 years, and will desire church more next week. Either that, or just buy a new big-screen tv for at home, so that you can be just as spiritual as your church when you watch The Sopranos.

David Grant said...

Dispensationalism is the doctrinal reason why God is incapable of doing miracles today.

Steve Pye said...

Yeah - I meant, I never realized that was an issue in the churches. I've actually never heard any church say that God doesn't work miracles any more. What I hear more, is that God is working *more* miracles, but that we have watered down our opinion on what a miracle is.

Like, we want a quarter for a gum ball, and there just happens to be a quarter on the ground in the parking lot beside the pay-per-use grocery carts, which we figure never happens, so it must be a miracle, because only God could have known about our need for a gum ball. I think it's as though we've redefined what we think a miracle is, so we miss the real miracles and spot only the things that we think are miracles.